Erma Does Not Live Here!

And So it Begins…

Howdy, Non-Ermas. Yes, I know it has been ages. No, I don’t have a good excuse. In fact, I don’t even have a bad excuse.  Any whoooo, (pun intended), today was the first time I embarrassed my son in public. We were at the Rice football game watching the Owls beat the owl pellets out of some school from the Carolinas.

I suppose I was hootin’ (yes, 2nd pun intended) and hollerin’ too energetically for the Owls because JAMP turned to me and said, “Mommy! Quit cheering and clapping! You are embarrassing me!” I imagine it’s only a matter of time before he wants me to drop him off for school a block away so no one will see me.

Being the twelve time recipient of “Mother of the Year,” which is odd since he’s only four, I’m proud to say I did not tell him he embarrassed me when one night this week, in front of my darling Mr. Gravity, he asked “Mommy, why are your boobies down there?”

“Down where?” I responded. He pointed to my tummy and said “Down there!” I smiled and asked “Where should they be, son?” He pointed just below his clavicle and said “Up here, like mine.” While I was crushed when faced with the harsh reality of gravity taking its toll (not to be confused with Mr. Gravity – he doesn’t make me pay a toll), I opted to keep my dismay to myself. Along with the response that was at the tip of my tongue… “YOU DID THIS TO ME, YOUNG MAN!!!”

Ladies Man in Training

Well, friends… looks like I’m going to have my hands full. My darling boy who up until this point has only had eyes for mom now has a wandering eye. In his defense, he comes by it honestly. He loves looking at photos of girls in bathing suits, referring to them as “beach girls.” He is really into Scooby Doo these days and Daphne is by far his favorite. When I asked him why, he said, “because she wears a skirt.” I pointed out that Velma wears a skirt. He doesn’t like Velma or her skirt. I asked if it was because Daphne was pretty. He got very shy then responded, “No! It’s because she is smart AND pretty.” Well, kudos to him on the smart thing. Final confirmation came this past weekend when we went to the circus. He saw lions, tigers, zebras, elephants, motorcycles, trapeeze artists, tightrope walkers, clowns, dancing dogs and a woman being shot out of a cannon. Come on, there’s tons to choose from here. When I asked him what his favorite part of the circus was, he responded with, “The girls who were dancing… their bellies were showing.” Help me Baby Jesus. Just don’t let him get anyone pregnant before he finishes college. Amen.

Erma Does Not Live Here, But Ryland Does.

Ryland

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Several months ago, in a fit of self-loathing and feeling like I had “shown my ass,” for the lack of a lady like term, I deleted this most amazing tribute video that Sher, the mother of all non-Ermas made about yours truly. No, that is not a comment about her age – rather her loving, nurturing nature. She is the mother hen of all the non-Ermas everywhere. Wait, she is a MeeMaw now, maybe it is about her age. Anyway, I deleted it. And of course, within minutes, maybe even seconds, I regretted it. Well, imagine my surprise when after spending three hours of my life I’ll never get back trying to upload the videos about KK’s new ride, I found it!! Tucked away for safe keeping in the Media Library, there it was… the most loving thing anyone has ever given me. Not counting cash or jewelry.

Thank you, MeeMaw. I feel wrapped in your love (or maybe it’s this bathrobe I’m wearing) all over again.

Damn, It’s Good to be a Gangsta!

Erma Tank

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So, I pretty much had the longest day of my life today. Just as I was shutting down my office computer at 7:30pm, I got a call from our fairy Godmother. I say “our” because I share her with Sher. I told her I was damn near dead from being so tired. And right on cue, just like always, she asked if I wanted to come over for dinner. Now, I wasn’t really in it for the dinner, but the love, fun, and let’s face it… gossip. She, JoJo and I were in the middle of an important discussion about hair color and JoJo’s cute new jeans when the biggest, baddest, most fabulously tricked-out Daddilac Escalade rolled up. This thing had bells and whistles, or should I say horns and seizure-inducing lights I had never seen in my whole life! Well, except for when I watch Cops. My favorite part was the loud speaker that we plan to use to taunt joggers at Memorial Park as we drive around. No, don’t worry, the irony is not lost on me. CT Customs boss man Todd and his darling wife Amy hooked her up, but good. For a glimpse at the bling on this thing, see the photos below. I don’t even know what a Strutt grill is, but I know know I should! Watch the videos for a giggle, but take some Dramamine… I’m still learning how to use the iPhone 4 video.

Where’s Biden?

Remember “Where’s Waldo,” the books that came out in 1987? Little ones everywhere would spend hours blinding themselves in search of Waldo, the kid with glasses in a red and white striped shirt and hat? Well, I ask you non-Ermas, where the hell is Joe Biden these days? Besides on our Shameless Plugs page, natch.

Based on this photo, and being an expert at the subject, I’m going with the dentist. He is at the dentist having his Mr. Ed caps redone.